If you are comparing a new partner to an ex, write down the specific comparison and ask what it reveals about your present preference. “My ex planned every outing” might lead to “I would like us both to suggest dates.” Assess the current connection through what happens now rather than asking a new person to reproduce an old relationship.
Identify the comparison precisely
In an Ask Erin response about comparing partners, Erin Khar distinguishes a passing comparison from a question about whether the current connection fits. Her response addresses one letter; it is not a diagnosis of your relationship.
For your own reflection, replace “Everything was better before” with the actual detail you keep returning to. Is it a shared interest, a way of making plans, a feeling you remember or an unresolved issue? Keep those possibilities separate until you know which one you mean.
Use three columns for one example
Past detail: “My ex liked the same films.”
Present observation: “The person I am dating enjoys different films, and we have not tried choosing one together.”
Question now: “Would I enjoy exploring different tastes, or is sharing this interest especially important to me?”
This exercise does not score the people against each other. It gives you a place to describe a preference without making an unfamiliar detail proof that the relationship is wrong.
Turn a preference into a current conversation
You could say, “I enjoy taking turns planning an evening. Would you like to choose our next one?” You do not need to begin with a comparison to your ex to ask about something you want now.
If the difference concerns a non-negotiable, our guide to relationship deal breakers offers a separate reflection. You are allowed to assess fit; you do not have to dismiss every concern as nostalgia or force yourself to feel a connection.
Do not make the exercise choose for you
After an actual conversation or date, add what happened to your notes. For example: “We each suggested an activity and chose a walk.” That is an observation. “They will never understand me” is a prediction.
You may still feel uncertain. Leave an unanswered question as unanswered instead of seeking a verdict from a comparison list. If you want to discuss relevant history with the person, start with what you are comfortable sharing and what matters to your current plans.
Explore your question in a personal reading
For a symbolic perspective on your connection with this person, you can ask a custom question in a Signature Video Reading: “What present preference am I noticing when I compare this connection with my past?” Koko personally records the reading, starting at $99 for 15+ minutes. Standard delivery is 7–10 days; optional 24-hour Express adds $49.
Compare the formats in our guide to choosing a love reading. Readings are for entertainment and reflection. They do not establish another person’s thoughts or promise an outcome.