To communicate needs in a relationship, name the situation, say what matters to you and ask for a specific action. For example: “I want time together without other plans running alongside it. Could we choose an evening this week?” A clear request gives your partner something concrete to answer; it does not require them to agree.
Start with one situation
The Gottman Institute’s guide to assertive communication recommends being specific about what you want and describing a behavior or circumstance rather than criticizing someone’s identity.
Choose the issue you actually want to address. “We have not picked a time for our next date” identifies a practical uncertainty. “You never care about us” makes a claim about the other person. You can discuss a missed plan without claiming you know why it happened.
Three requests you can adapt
For time together: “I miss having an evening with you. Would you like to choose one for next week?”
For planning: “I need to know whether dinner is happening before I buy ingredients. Can we confirm by Thursday?”
For listening: “I want to finish explaining before we discuss solutions. Could you listen first and then tell me what you understood?”
These are sample messages. Replace their details with what you actually need, including the timing. A sentence that sounds polished but asks for the wrong thing is not a useful request.
Check whether you asked a question
After stating your request, leave room for an answer. If your partner offers a different time or says they cannot do what you asked, clarify the proposal before calling it an agreement.
You could respond: “When you say the weekend, do you mean Saturday afternoon?” If no plan is agreed, write “still to decide,” not “we agreed.” For a structured discussion, use our relationship check-in agenda.
A quick editing exercise
Write the sentence you are tempted to send. Underline the action you want. If there is no action to underline, add a request. Then remove any explanation that claims to know the other person’s motives.
Example: “You do not value my time” can become “When plans change, please tell me before I leave home.” This exercise is optional wording practice, not a guarantee that a conversation will go well.
Explore your question in a personal reading
For a symbolic perspective on your connection with this person, you can ask a custom question in a Signature Video Reading: “What am I trying to express about my needs in this connection?” Koko personally records the reading, starting at $99 for 15+ minutes. Standard delivery is 7–10 days; optional 24-hour Express adds $49.
Compare the formats in our guide to choosing a love reading. Readings are for entertainment and reflection. They do not establish another person’s thoughts or promise an outcome.