To work on assuming less in a relationship, write down what you directly observed, separate it from your explanation and identify what you could ask. You do not have to replace a negative assumption with a positive one. The point is to keep an unverified explanation open until there is information that supports it.
Separate an observation from an explanation
In her Couples Learn guide to assumptions, Dr. Sarah Schewitz describes an assumption as a belief that has not been proven and recommends examining the evidence and checking interpretations with a partner.
You can start a simple note with three headings: “What I observed”, “What I think it means”, and “What I do not know.” Put only what you can describe directly in the first part. Your explanation belongs in the second, even if it feels very convincing.
Try a worked example without inventing reassurance
Imagine your partner changes the subject when you mention a family meal. The observation is the change of subject. Your interpretation might be “They do not want to spend time with my family.” What you do not know is why the subject changed.
You do not need to write “They definitely love my family” as a replacement. That would be another unverified statement. Leave space for the explanation you have not heard yet.
Ask a question about the missing information
An example is: “When I mentioned the meal, we moved on to something else. Did you want to talk about the invitation?” This identifies the moment and invites an answer.
Avoid embedding your conclusion in the question: “Why do you always avoid my family?” assumes both a motive and a pattern. If there is a repeated pattern you want to discuss, describe the specific occasions you mean and ask about them directly.
Update the note when you learn something
After the conversation, add what the person said and what remains unresolved. Their explanation is new information; you can consider it alongside what you have observed over time. The exercise does not require ignoring contradictions or surrendering your own judgment.
For a related situation, read before I send this message. You can use the same distinction while drafting a question, without expecting either a perfect interpretation or a guaranteed response.
Explore your question in a personal reading
For a symbolic perspective on your connection with this person, you can ask a custom question in a Signature Video Reading: “What am I treating as a fact about this person that I still need to clarify?” Koko personally records the reading, starting at $99 for 15+ minutes. Standard delivery is 7–10 days; optional 24-hour Express adds $49.
Read our guide to choosing a love reading. Readings are for entertainment and reflection. They do not establish another person’s thoughts or promise an outcome.